TOOLS, AND THEIR REAL USES!!!!!!!

[JohnB]

TOOLS, AND THEIR REAL USES!!!!!!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about

the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ****...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood blisters. The tool used most often by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to

transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the

conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch

wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile

upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any

known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending

any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes

called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine

vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at

about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing

oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to

strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used

to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-

burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed

air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that

grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by

someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to

quickly snap off lug nuts .

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to

make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need.

[FastMagnus]

rolig

det kanske vore dags för en verktyg/tool länk på första sidan det finns många org verktyg med org number som underlättar vissa jobb otroligt mycke.+ en otrolig eftermarknad på detta område, mässan i Göteborg är det verktyg`s mässa nästa helg som gäller

[Nenne]