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The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions


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The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

http://www.trifive.com/forums/showthrea ... ght=haynes

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The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.

Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...

Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).

Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).

Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...

Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.

Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.

Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.

Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details

Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Posted

Hadde nåt ditåt i Januari.

TOOLS, AND THEIR REAL USES!!!!!!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about

the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ****...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood blisters. The tool used most often by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to

transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the

conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch

wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile

upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any

known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending

any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes

called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine

vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at

about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing

oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to

strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used

to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-

burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed

air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that

grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by

someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to

quickly snap off lug nuts .

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to

make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need.

John ;)

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